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Having several partners without cheating: it's called polyamory

“From two we go to three, The more the merrier, They tell us no”


Love, what a complex word. 

Even more difficult is the management of love, but that is what the world revolves around after all, isn't it? 

What if the hypothesis of having so much love inside that you want to give it to several partners at the same time was plausible? 

It is called polyamory and although it is still not talked about much, it is a sentimental condition that involves many people. 

That is why I met B., who told me how life as a polyamorous woman works.

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Hi B., let's have some clarity: there has been talk about the possibility of loving several people at the same time. What is polyamory from the point of view of a polyamorous woman?

Hi, I can finally talk about it! Polyamory for me has been a path of knowledge with respect to something I have always had inside. I approached relationships when I was 15, at that time I had never heard of it.

Ours is a society based on the couple model, be it hetero or homosexual.

Monogamy has always been narrow to me. I used to fall in love with my ex-boyfriends' friends and suppress these impulses. I suffered a lot because of that.

And then?

Then in my early 20s I started researching on the internet to understand why I felt this way. I discovered polyamory and kept getting more and more information. 

The algorithms realised that I was interested in the subject and I gradually became more and more knowledgeable and aware.

You discovered you were polyamorous. How did you tell others?

I think the concept of coming out is a stretch. I don't find the need to make a spectacle of this aspect of myself. Have you ever heard someone say, 'I like pizza!'?

I talk about it more often lately, but for information. It's difficult to talk about it with monogamists, they have the mentality of: "But I alone am not enough for you?". 

I want more relationships because I just need more relationships.

The people I have told this to anyway, they took it just as if I were saying: "I like pizza!". Are you upset?

No upset, but I have a curiosity: is there a lot of bisexuality within polyamorous relationships?

There is no direct link. Bisexuality certainly helps to build polyamorous relationships more easily but it is not a necessary condition.

I am now building my 'polycola' (that's what a group of lovers in a relationship with each other is called), with two men. I feel very free, I can manage my love without using the form of betrayal. 

Some psychologists claim that man is a polygamous animal by nature and that monogamous relationships are exclusively a social construct that we have been carrying around for many years. What do you think?

I think that is exactly what it is, a social construct. 

There are distant cultures where polygamy is a very normal thing and I will tell you more, there are some villages where children who are born have a mother, the one who carries them in her womb, and as fathers all those who have had sexual relations with her.

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Interesting. You were talking earlier about cheating, why do you think people cheat so often?

The incidence of cheating today is very high. I don't want to say that it's just repressed polygamists, but if there are so many people willing to cheat... is it really just for the thrill of it?

What is the limit? 

One should listen to oneself and observe oneself. Love goes through different steps and the initial moment is undoubtedly the most exhilarating. Then it transforms and becomes stable. One should not be frightened if at this stage one feels attraction for someone else.

It is difficult in any case to answer this question. Each one of us knows.

Let's talk about jealousy. I imagine that it is not easy to accept that your partner may wish to open up the relationship to other people.

Communication is crucial, along with self-analysis. 

I don't think everyone can accept it. For example, my ex already knew that he would suffer too much because of my being polyamorous. For fear that someone would take me away from him, he decided to quit. 

I find this illogical, but I understand it.

I too was jealous in the beginning, but I think it is necessary to work on the reason for the jealousy, not on the jealousy itself.

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Stupid but existential question: do polyamorous people only stay with other polyamorous people?

There are mono-polar relationships, but I think they are only manageable by very balanced monogamists.

How does a polyamorous relationship unfold logistically?

There are many ways to experience this type of relationship. I follow a lot of polyamorous people on social media who talk about their everyday life. 

There are those who all live together and couples who welcome other partners into their home from time to time.

Fun fact: Google Calendar is widely used to organise 'shifts'.

B., tell me the truth: how often do you fall in love? 

I am a very accepting person of this feeling. It depends on the context, anyway. If the situation shakes me up I go straight into a mood of falling in love.

I ended a relationship just under a month ago, now I have butterflies in my stomach for two different guys. Of course I have already told them that I am polyamorous.

And what did they tell you? 

One wants to know all the details of the other relationship. The other prefers not to know.

We come to the hot topic: love. How can you feel exactly the same amount, of the same kind of love, for more than one person?

Good question! There are the hierarchical polygamies, where there is the main partner(s) and then the secondary ones. However, this is not seen very well within the poly community. 

For me it is similar to friendship. I have friends and close friends. Of these I couldn't tell you which ones I love the most. Love can be shared, why is it so hard to believe that?

Do polyamorous people today suffer discrimination, as is the case with the LGBTQ+ community, or does everything go smoothly despite some prejudice?

There is some discrimination against polygamists, but as it is difficult to acknowledge being polygamous, it remains a less frequent theme in the media's account of society.

I hope this is not the case for the new generations and probably with more information, discrimination could also increase.

Personally, I have not had negative experiences, but sometimes I have experienced the denial of my polygamous and polyamorous identity. 

I was told: 'You are confused, you haven't found the right person yet'.

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How do you see your future? Monogamists dream of 'shopping, making ends meet, a beach house, having a child and a dog'. What do you want?

There are monogamous couples who do the cohabitation party as an alternative to marriage. 

Instead, I have seen many polygamists getting married. Let us remember that marriage is also a useful event, to co-own a house mortgage for example.

I never wanted children and I see monogamous marriage as a useless constraint. I would like multiple marriages but they do not exist today.

I will tell you that I like the concept of the hippie commune like crazy.


Image Dainis Graveris on Unsplash